The Pointless Blogger...

The judgmental bar of soap

2011-09-03T18:31:00.001-04:00

I feel like this bar of soap is judging me...

No Gas!

2011-03-31T12:53:00.003-04:00

Apparently today, March 31st 2011, is "No Gas Day". Unfortunately, I just farted... sorry.

Looking at google, it seems that there are no-gas-days on May 15th, April 22nd and April 15th too - [start sarcastic font] I guess this truly is a really well organized international event causing a real advantageous effect on peoples' lives, and not just a bunch of people on Facebook trying to make their virtual voices heard.[end sarcastic font].

Oh... that fart reminds me, I need to stop and fill up my car with petroleum on my way home. I'm glad it's not "No Petroleum Day", otherwise I'd be breaking 2 rules in the same day.

Who's that leprechaun?

2011-03-20T10:09:00.003-04:00

I was looking at the CNN site this morning, and I saw this photo from Libya.

First of all, I had no idea that Libya celebrated St. Patrick's day.

Second... who is that strange looking leprechaun they appear to be worshiping?

National Douche-bag Convention

2011-03-17T17:35:00.002-04:00

Is the National Douche-bag Convention being held in downtown Cleveland today?

Oh...wait... that's right, it's St. Patrick's Day.

Medieval Europe called...

2011-03-03T13:17:00.009-05:00

I was driving home from work today, listening to Pandora through my iPhone, when this song by Robert Michaels came on, with the following album cover photo:

It was a great example of Spanish style classical guitar.

So, while I'm listening to this guy play his guitar, Medieval Europe called... via horse-back messenger. Yeah.. they rode up alongside my car (which they were able to do, thanks to the incredibly low speed limits in the US), and gestured to me to lower my window. The Medieval horse-back messenger handed me a brownish-yellow parchment envelope, with one of those fancy wax seals holding it closed, and then rode off.

Since I live in the US of A, I opened the the envelope immediately and started reading it. You see, In the USA it's perfectly acceptable to carry out other tasks whilst driving, so long as you consider them to be important. Because, as we all know through extensive research, if something is important, then there is no chance of your distraction causing a fatal accident. In fact, I hear that during an American driving test, if you can demonstrate to your examiner the ability to talk on your cell phone, text or read a book while you're taking the driving test, you get extra points for versatility.

Anyway... you want to know what the note from Medieval Europe said? Well here it is...

The sequel to the Bible

2011-02-17T23:49:00.003-05:00

I just happened to be reading an old blog post I wrote, about a store in East Cleveland, OH, that proudly advertised the fact that they sold "Bibles, $6.95 and up", as well as a variety of pest control products.

I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but what, exactly, do you get if you purchase one of the "and up" Bibles? I mean... if you buy the $12.95 version, do you get a foreword by Moses? Does the $18.99 version come with the authors' signatures inside the front cover, and a "Thanks for believing!" note from them?

I have a feeling the top of the range Bible, for $28.50 is the extra special collectors edition, which includes the highly exclusive, never before seen, straight-to-video sequel to the Bible.

Office Sensationalization

2011-01-21T16:30:00.004-05:00

Did you ever notice how office workers tend to sensationalize everything they say?

It's like they have to create some kind of excitement out of the most mundane of subjects, since they work in a grey, dull cubicle farm, doing the same thing every day.

Today, for example, someone decided to start shouting at the orange they were trying to peel at their desk. They felt the need to inform the entire room that never in their ENTIRE life had they had so much trouble peeling an orange. This one was particularly hard skinned, apparently.

I was intrigued... I desperately wanted to ask for details on a some of the previous encounters this person had had with oranges... but I refrained. I knew such interesting and wondrous tales of orange peeling would distract me from the work I needed to finish.

Toilet Use 101

2010-12-20T15:24:00.007-05:00

I'm (sarcastically) proud to work in a building where not one, or two... but FIVE (there's two more on the other side of the door) signs are needed on a toilet stall door to remind people how to correctly use a toilet.

I'd like to be able to say that this is an appropriate number of toilet-use signs. Maybe I work at an elementary school... or a mental health institution... right? But no, I don't work at either of these places. I work with supposedly intelligent adults who I would like to think learned to use a toilet a long time ago... but apparently not, since I still had to flush this toilet before I used it!

Also notice how the maintenance person who wrote those signs got so angry, they forgot how to use the word, "uses".

Toyotathon

2010-12-17T13:50:00.004-05:00

I keep seeing ads for a "Toyotathon".

Is that some kind of event where people start their Toyotas up, push the gas pedals til they get stuck, speed along with no idea how to control their car, and see who survives the longest without crashing, or skidding off the side of the road and down a ravine?

Oh, wait... that's just their commute to work every morning.

Meat and potatoes

2010-12-16T17:17:00.005-05:00

When someone claims to be a "Real meat and potatoes kind of guy", is that a clever way of saying that they're regularly constipated, and have a high potential for heart disease?

Everyone Panic! NOW!

2010-12-08T12:06:00.004-05:00

There's a good chance of lake effect snow in the Cleveland area today. As a result, the national weather service has issued a mandatory panic alert for all American citizens.

Luckily that doesn't apply to me, so I can just continue to act and drive logically and responsibly.

Sticky Situation

2010-11-17T15:26:00.006-05:00

I saw this story on MSNBC.com:

"Researchers have designed bacteria that can produce a special glue to knit together cracks in concrete structures.
The genetically modified microbe has been programmed to swim down fine cracks in concrete and once at the bottom it produces a mixture of calcium carbonate and a bacterial glue. This glue combines with the filamentous bacterial cells, ultimately hardening to the same strength as the surrounding concrete and essentially "knitting" the building back together."

You know... it's all fun and games until some of those bacteria end up in someones mouth (and we know how much bacteria love mouths). Next thing you know, there's a bacterial glue sticking your lips together, maybe starting to close up your throat too.

So you try to rush to a hospital, but then you notice the bacteria is on your hands too, and your fingers got glued together - like when you try to fix something with superglue and end up with it all over your fingers, but it's dried before you noticed.

So you can't drive yourself to the hospital, and you can't pick up a phone to call for help, so you end up having to run there.

When you get there, you realize you can't actually tell them what's wrong, because your mouth is glued shut, and "mm mmmm mm hmmm ghmmm mmm mm" doesn't mean much to them. Besides, all they want to know is if you have your insurance card with you.

By this point you're so out of breath from running to the hospital, and your trachea is glued almost completely closed. You can't get your breath and you just collapse on the floor.

Now your life is in someone elses hands entirely. You're relying on someone to make some logical, common sense decisions to figure out what happened, and how to solve the problem... but we all know that there's approximately a 10,000 to 1 illogical person to logical person ratio in this country, so you don't have much of a chance...

... and all to fix a few cracks in a wall. Was it really worth it? Just hire a brick mason.

I'm rich!

2010-10-27T12:49:00.009-04:00

I had the most amazing E-mail today. Somehow it ended up in my junk folder, but thankfully I happened to be checking through my junk for any missed E-mails.

It was from "Elaine" from the Malaysia... she was married to "Fred", which I guess is quite a common Malaysian name. "Fred" worked for some big company and made way too much money - kind of like all those people in charge of the US banks.

"Fred" had 14.5 Million US dollars in an account, but unfortunately got a disease and died 5 days later. Really "Elaine" should have said that "Fred" had 45 Million Malaysian Ringgit... but she just lost her husband in the space of 5 days to a mysterious disease, so I'll assume that's the reason for her mistake.

Now, to make things worse, Elaine has "A cancer of the lung", and according to her doctor, she "May not live longer than required"... whatever that means.

But regardless, the important thing here is that she specifically chose me, out of the 6.7 Billion people in the world, found my E-mail address, and informed me that she wants me to have this money, and she also wants God to bless me!

How lucky is that?! Or maybe it's not luck... maybe it's God blessing me already... because that happens... right?...right?...

I just can't help but feel sad that God didn't bless "Fred" or "Elaine"...

The morals of this story:

1. Always check your junk mail.

2. Don't put all your money away for retirement, because you'll probably get a disease, die 5 days later, and never get to enjoy your money.

3. Be nice to me, because maybe I'll give you some of my $14.5 million, which I'll be receiving in the next few weeks - just as soon as I send "Elaine" all my personal information and bank account number. You know... so she can transfer the money.

The middle lane

2010-10-06T18:21:00.002-04:00

Dear Majority of American Drivers,

When a road has two lanes, choosing the middle one is not an option, and perhaps even less so when you're holding ME up behind you.

If you don't have the spacial awareness skills or depth perception to tell how wide your vehicle is, you probably shouldn't be driving. I can help you out though... your vehicle is NOT the width of a Sherman tank (no, not even your Hummer), that's pretty much all you need to know.

Also, leaning with your elbow against your window, trying to look all relaxed while you talk on your cell phone while driving, as if to say, "This driving thing is SO easy, i don't even have to concentrate on it", does not show everyone that you have superhuman multitasking, and professional race-driver-like driving skills; it simply shows everyone that you're a dick.

That is all.

The most un-cool town population of all time

2010-09-22T11:45:00.009-04:00

I was reading an article today that listed 10 of the "Coolest Small Towns in America".

So I'm clicking through the short descriptions of each town, seeing photos that make me think, "That place looks pretty cool - I'd live there".

Then I get to Kennett Square, Pennsylvania, and I see this:

People of Kennett Square, Pennsylvania - why did you have to do this? You were up there among the (completely non-official) coolest towns in America, which generally would suggest that its population is (completely unofficially) fairly cool too, but no... you just had to try too hard didn't you?
You just HAD to take this photo, trying to be "different" from all those other towns with the generic (yet far more attractive) panoramic views of their landscape or buildings.

You were probably thinking, "This is going to set OUR town apart from the others! There's nothing people like more than a bunch of average looking Americans holding generic looking banners claiming that their town is 'cool'... oh, and one kid that clearly doesn't want to be there, we need a kid or they'll think we're not kid friendly, and no one likes a town that's not kid friendly."

Well, it worked... sort of. Now you've plummeted yourselves to number 1 on the list of "Most Uncool Town Populations of All Time, Ever, In the History of Everything," (it's a real list I just made up).

And by the way, number 2 on that list is the Welsh town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, which has a population of this guy, and his 3 sheep:

That's right, people of Kennett Square, Pennsylvania, you are now slightly less cool than this guy.

Let that be a lesson to anyone else planning on taking ultra-cheesy (and not in a good way) photos for a prize or commendation that you receive.

Bless you!

2010-08-31T13:37:00.002-04:00

I just sneezed in my office at work, and about 6 people from neighbouring cubicles simultaneously said "Bless You!". It was kind of like hearing it in 5.1 Dolby Surround sound.

I'm pretty sure that this originated in the old days (like... even farther back than 1995), when people would get bubonic plague, of which sneezing was a major symptom. Since health care sucked back then, people decided they should "bless" people instead... because... you know... that usually works.

Anyway... I'm pretty sure I don't have bubonic plague... and if I do, I should probably try something a little stronger than these anti-histamines.

Regardless, blessing me is not going to help... and I'm pretty sure that your average person doesn't even have the power to bless someone. I thought that's why priests went to priest school and stuff - to earn that right.

Smells good enough to eat

2010-08-03T11:24:00.007-04:00

"Seafood from some parts of the oil-fouled Gulf of Mexico has been declared safe to eat by the government, based in part on human smell tests. But even some Gulf fishermen are questioning whether the fish and shrimp are OK to feed to their own families."
(Taken from: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38529484/ns/health-food_safety/)

Come on fishermen... what the hell is your problem? The fish smells fine! It's clearly good enough to eat.

We're a government agency... you can trust us... yes... trust us... and watch this swirly thing...

and ... you are getting sleeeepy... you will trust the government... trust us... yesssss... you can trust us... we are good people, why wouldn't you trust us? We're the government... trust... trust... trust... eat oily fish... trust.

It's all about the penetration...

2010-07-29T13:19:00.015-04:00

Whether you're a sports fan, or not, have you ever actually listened to some of the crap that sports commentators come out with during a game?

Sometimes (... ok, most of the time) it's like they're not even thinking about any of the words that come out of their mouths, it's like they're just on auto pilot. What ever happened to just saying the name of the player who has the ball?

They should probably broadcast live games 10 minutes late, so they have time to edit out any idiotic comments that commentators make, before they make it to your TV. The only problem with that, is that then there would hardly be any commentary left.

The good thing about this, though, is that I can note down some of the stupid, or in this case, dirty stuff they say, and then post it here!

During the 2010 World Cup (that's a big soccer tournament - for any American readers), I kept notes of all sorts of junk that spewed out of the British and American ESPN commentators' mouths.

Usually the things they say are especially funny when taken out of context, but in these cases, most of them are pretty funny regardless of context.

The Dirty and/or blatantly homosexual sounding:

"Pick out a player, and stick it in to the danger area"
(Oh yeeah... stick it in good and hard...right in to that danger area).

"You gotta stay with your guy!"
(Like... oh my God... don't be such a man-whore).

"They're both fisting away."
(... Ok... I see no reason for the use of this phrase with reference to any sport... regardless of context).

"It's not all about possession, but... penetration."
(Uh oh... here we go with the penetration comments)

"I wanna see a little bit of penetration... a little bit of energy... a little bit of acceleration."
(Yeah... let's get something goin' here... c'mon... faster... harder).

"They've got no penetration... they've got one or two nice moves."
(...but it's just no fun to watch when there's no penetration!)

"They use their bodies very, very well."
(One "very," just wasn't enough to describe just HOW well they USE their BODIES...)

The "What?!":

"...and Brazil look toothless..."
(Uh... k).

"He just shaves the post!"
(Really? That's all he does?I didn't even know that posts could grow hair.)

The "Just Plain Wrong" sounding:

This is my favourite commentator comment of all time. He was talking about an Italian player, and his actions after winning the World Cup in 2006, and it just came out all wrong.

"Cannavaro slept with his... uh... young daughter, with the World Cup, at the hotel that night."
(No further comments...)

O Canada

2010-07-01T10:55:00.005-04:00

Hooray, it's Canada Day today!

It's my favourite day of the year, because I'm British, and therefore I kind of own Canada.

I live right on the other side of Lake Erie, from Canada, so that I can keep my eye on it, without actually having to live there... (like how Sarah Palin keeps an eye on Russia... it just makes everyone feel better to know she's on the lookout).

If you think about it, Canada is sort of like the consolation prize, after losing the USA... like "Hey... at least we still have Canada, right? Canada's pretty cool too... right? If we can just get rid of those French people, it'll be awesome..."

What's a hyp..o...cri...sy ?

2010-06-30T15:08:00.011-04:00

I just saw this news story about a billboard from an atheist group that was vandalized by some angry religious people: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews/ynews_ts2936

The billboard was one of a number put up around North Carolina, simply to make people aware that there actually are a certain number of logical, non-religious people around too (who aren't afraid to admit it) - and therefore, maybe we should go back to the old wording of the Pledge of Allegiance, which doesn't force the word "God" on everyone - thereby assuming that every single person in the entire country believes the exact same thing.

There was no anger in the message, there were no "There is no God" messages, no claims that "everyone should be an atheist"... just a message that "We exist too, we live here too, we work here too, we pay taxes here too, we contribute to society too," (in not so many words).

Seems a little strange that a good Christian person would commit such a crime as vandalism... or any crime at all, in fact. Isn't that the point? Following all the rules, the commandments, being a good citizen and all?

oh...
wait a second...

... that was weird - for a second there, I forgot that hypocrisy existed... and that the extremely religious are the most hypocritical of them all.

It's all about public safety

2010-06-16T10:36:00.006-04:00

Why was there a policeman on the side of the road today, with a radar gun, on a stretch of road where you hardly ever see any police at all?

Oh yeah... it's the 2nd half of the month... time to make sure they meet their "ticket quotas", and fill the city's account with money.
It's kind of like an unannounced tax... I mean... wait... no... it's for the safety of the drivers... yeah... that's it... safety... yeah...

They need to invent a "talking and texting on a cell phone" detection gun... THAT would be good for safety.

They should also introduce a special colour license plate for "cell-phone while driving offenders", like how they have yellow plates for repeat DUI offenders. Then everyone can point and laugh at their stupidity.

The plates should be bright pink for men, and brown and black striped for women (because brown and black apparently don't go together... it'd kill them to have that on their car).

They could put some text along the top and bottom saying "I'm so important, I have to make calls at 70mph, and endanger everyone around me".

Oh... wait... they need to introduce a law that actually says it's illegal to do that in the first place. Oh well.

Flag Day

2010-06-14T10:25:00.004-04:00

Hooray, it's flag day... my favourite holiday of the year!

Actually, it's not my favourite... I just thought I'd post this, since my blog's title includes the word "pointless", and this seems like an appropriately pointless holiday... not least because it's not actually an official holiday, except in Pennsylvania, apparently, but that doesn't really count because Pennsylvanians are weird, and they charge too much in road-tolls.

Lost in sports translation

2010-06-13T11:11:00.005-04:00

FIFA... you really shouldn't put the time of upcoming world cup games, in the same location as the scores of previous games.

The majority of Americans who read this scores list/schedule (and also don't know how to read 24hr time, unless they're in the military) are going to think that :

England and the USA drew 1-1 (therefore boring - what's the point of a sport where no one wins... right?),

Algeria and Slovenia only scored one goal between them in 90 minutes (therefore boring),

there were no goals in the Serbia vs. Ghana game (...what the hell?)

but the Germany vs. Australia game was "TOTALLY AWESOME!" since Australia beat Germany 30 goals to 20! "DUDE! THIS IS HOW ALL SPORTS SHOULD BE!"

Advanced mathematics in advertising

2010-06-09T17:23:00.008-04:00

This window company is looking to dazzle potential customers with their amazing understanding of advanced mathematics.

They're hoping that the ad reading process will go something like this:

"Buy 1 window, get 1 free" ...

Average ad-reader: "Hmm... ok... interested... tell me more."

"That's like buying windows for half your house, and getting the other half free!"

Average ad-reader: "Wow... they're right... that really is what it's like!! I never thought about it like THAT before! I trust this company... they really know they're talking about!"

The really unfair umbrella holder

2010-06-04T13:21:00.005-04:00

This umbrella holder for your baby stroller will keep you dry whenever you choose to take a stroll in the rain, with your baby.

It won't keep your baby dry at all... but that's ok, cos they don't got no right to say who can be dry and who can't, do they?

You worked hard to get to the position you're in today, to be able to afford to buy a stroller, and an umbrella holder for your stroller... your baby didn't do a thing! They can EARN the right to stay dry then they get a damn job, and start contributing to this household... right?

Poor, poor rich people

2010-06-04T13:01:00.004-04:00

Do you own a yacht, or a swimming pool at your home, but feel under-fulfilled by the recent lack of praise your "friends" give you for being rich enough to own these things?

The personalized life preserver is the perfect addition to your rich-person material possession, and your "friends" are sure to make positive comments every time they see it - allowing you to re-live the joy you felt when you first realized you were better than them, all over again.

The Womens Moustache Stimulator

2010-06-04T12:54:00.005-04:00

In this world of male-female equality, more and more women are opting to grow moustaches, to help make people aware of their superiority and intelligence. The problem is, it takes much longer for a woman to grow a moustache of good enough quality to compete with those of men.

That's why we created the "Womens Moustache Stimulator".

Simply place the stimulator strip below your nose, attach to the included battery pack, and the small electric currents will stimulate the hair follicles to quickly grow a thick, and authoritative looking moustache.

We have stimulator strips available in various shapes, to grow multiple moustache types, including the Handlebar, Walrus and Hitler!

Call now and get 2 for the price of 1!

We also offer extra-special deals for law enforcement officers worldwide.

You make miso... soupaaayyy

2010-06-04T11:10:00.001-04:00

I had some miso soup last night. I thought I'd love it long-time... but it wasn't that amazing.

A survey of traffic cops

2010-06-03T13:30:00.027-04:00

We recently carried out a [fake] survey with 1000 [non-existent] traffic cops/highway patrol officers to find out their favourite part of their jobs.

Here are the results...

Detailed results:

Being sneaky:
*0*

Stroking your prize-winning moustache:
*0*

Eating doughnuts:
*100*

Ruining peoples' holiday weekends by pulling them over for driving a few mph over the speed limit, on an 8 lane highway with a stupidly low limit of 60mph, while completely ignoring drivers who were dangerously tailgating other cars, weaving between traffic and texting on their cell phone simultaneously, because it'd be harder to prove their guilt in court:
*1*

All of the above:
*899*

Analysis:

After performing a deep analysis on the results, it turns out that most highway patrol officers like "all of the above", and found themselves unable to pick out just one of the options.

The 100 cops who chose "eating doughnuts" turned out to be both fat and lazy. These are the cops who are always slow to respond to calls, and therefore never get chosen if a more efficient cop is available. They love the fact that their inefficiency is rewarded with less work, and more doughnut eating time. That is why they joined the force after all.

Then there's the one cop who specifically chose the "ruining peoples' holiday weekends... " option.

This guy was extremely angry with our survey, and left the following message:

"I can't believe you stereotype us traffic cops like this! I love being an a-hole as much as the next cop, but I was unable to choose "all of the above" for one reason: I am a member of ANPO - the Alliance of Non-Moustached Police Officers.

We are a small minority group consisting of 25 police officers from throughout the USA, who actively choose not to have a moustache.

Therefore, choosing "all of the above" would have been a lie on my part - since I have no moustache to stroke. It is a well known fact that police officers are completely unable to lie - this is why we are so good at upholding truth and justice.

Choosing between "being sneaky", "ruining people's holidays/pulling them over" and "eating doughnuts," is a near-impossibility for most police officers, and your stereotyping of our moustache-ownership forced me to make that unfeasible choice.

I would appreciate it if you could add an extra option labeled "All of the above - minus the moustache part", so that other members of my group do not have the same agonizing choice to make, should they be chosen to take part in your next survey.

Thank you, and you're lucky I don't know who you are - or I'd give you a ticket for this.

- Mike the Non-Moustached Cop."

Sorry non-moustached-cop - we'll modify the next [fake] survey to accomodate you and your people. We were unaware that non-moustached cops existed.

Corporate craziness

2010-06-02T09:53:00.007-04:00

I drive 15 miles each way to work and back, every week-day, so that I can sit in a dusty room, sneezing, with no natural light for about 8 hours, rarely see my manager, and pretty much only ever see the same 3 colleagues who happen to sit in the same room as me.

I use the same laptop that I would use at home, to do exactly the same things that I could do from home, but I do them in less comfortable conditions than home.

If I worked from home, I wouldn't need to waste as much money on "work clothes", I wouldn't have to make lunches to take to work, or buy overly expensive 'take-out' food if I didn't make a lunch.

I'd almost definitely get more done from home due to fewer distractions, and also save around a gallon of fuel a day by not driving to the office, thereby saving around 260 gallons of gas every year (or $728 at current prices... and I wouldn't even care if they deducted that off my salary, for the privilege of working from home - I'd still end up breaking even), and also eliminate an unnecessary oil change every year, make my tires last longer and avoid potentially dangerous drives in the winter.

Imagine that average gas saving multiplied by the 5,000 or so employees just at my company, who could probably do exactly the same thing... 1.3 Million gallons of gas saved a year ($3.64 million), just by one company. Some may have shorter drives, some longer, some more efficient cars, some less... but on average it'd probably work out around that point. That's also $3.64 million of "spare" cash that consumers would then have available to buy junk, and help to improve the economy.

I could actually start working as soon as I woke up in the morning, rather than spending 30 minutes getting myself out of bed, and getting ready, followed by the drive to work, and then leaving work a little early to miss rush-hour traffic on the way home.

My company would actually save money, by using MY electricity for my computer, lights, heat, AC, my water supply for drinks, toilets, washing hands, and not having to provide all these services at "the office".

If I absolutely needed to be at the office for some reason, I could be there in 20 minutes, which is only a little longer than the time it would take me to get from my office to a meeting room anyway.

Yes, working the old fashioned way of "going to the office" makes perfect sense... in a bureaucratic, mindless, corporate kind of way. It'd be nice if sometimes they could think past what's right in front of their faces.

A survey designed to prove the obvious...

2010-06-01T12:39:00.005-04:00

I just signed out of my Hotmail account, and saw this story on the MSN website...

Really? You had to spend time and money conducting a survey to figure this out?

I could have told you that, for free, within about 2 weeks of being in the US.

This is just a totally random, off-the-top-of-my-head thought... but MAYBE it has something to do with the pointless, overly-easy driving tests, combined with the lack of laws banning cell phone use while driving, as well as the fact that approximately 50-60% of Americans don't know that manual transmissions actually exist (or possibly, what they even are), and an even larger percentage wouldn't know where to start if they had to drive one, and would rather pay $1000 extra for an auto, to eliminate the need to learn how to drive properly, all-the-while complaining that cars are too expensive.

Combine all this with the apparent lack of understanding that "red" means "stop", and "green" means "go"... and the belief that the seats in their cars are actually an extension of their living room sofa... and you have some of the worst drivers in the entire world... driving around in some of the largest, heaviest and most powerful cars in the world... perfect.

Emotional rollercoaster

2010-05-23T15:10:00.007-04:00

Don't you hate it when you're happy because you're eating a really good doughnut, from Dunkin Donuts, but then, within a fraction of a second, you're sad because you were eating the doughnut so fast that you managed to bite the inside of your mouth really hard.
Then, later, you're happy again, because you washed your bitchin' 'Stang, and made it all shiny.

It's like a really small, insignificant emotional rollercoaster.

If there was a theme park in some 3rd world country somewhere, like Wales, that had really small, insignificant rollercoasters, and the theme park was named "Doughnut and Car Land", they'd probably have a small insignificant roller coaster that somehow centered around what I just described... and it'd be an emotional ride... but only in a minor kind of way.

Although... now that I'm thinking about it, if there was a theme park named "Doughnut and Car Land", it'd probably be the best theme park ever, and my favourite place to be, in the whole world. Therefore, it wouldn't be in Wales.

I bet from the title of this post, you thought this was going to be really deep and meaningful didn't you?

My really expensive burger

2010-05-14T14:53:00.001-04:00

I bought this burger for $7, while waiting at the airport...

It actually tasted better than it looks. I really just had to buy it because it was from a place called "Cheeburger Cheeburger".

$7 was just the price for the burger - drink was extra, as were fries. I decided I could do without fries.

So, I may have just spent $8.39 on a meal consisting of nothing more than a burger and a drink, but I feel better knowing that I got my name written on the bag it came in... I feel like it was really personalized to me.

Its my burger... all mine... the bag says so.

I also got this fancy transparent cup, rather than the usual paper kind.

Since there's no recycling bins around, as far as I can see, you'll be glad to know that for the higher price I paid, I get to contribute yet another plastic cup to a landfill site somewhere, to sit for a few million years until it decomposes... or the earth explodes... whichever comes first.

Government: "Let's create rules, and set excessively high miles-per-gallon numbers that car manufacturers have to achieve... and make them pay taxes or punishment fees to us when they don't manage to do so. It's the only way to save the planet!"

Logical voice: "How about banning plastic disposable cups, bags etc. or offering incentives for large corporations to use paper instead. You could mandate that cities adjust the synchronization of their traffic lights too... minimizing unneccesary idling would improve mpg a lot.
You know, easy, simple ways to save the environment, without having to make huge changes and compromises..."

Government: "...Huh? How would that make us any money to pay off our huge national debt?"

Back to the burger... I'm looking forward to going back to England for a visit, simply to remind myself that everything here in the US is still cheap by comparison... even the $7 burger.

Keep your family safe!

2010-05-12T23:22:00.001-04:00

Help keep your family safe...

...with a Home-Defense-Kid, from Sky Mall.

As you can see from this photo, the evil woman has thrown her rope ladder up, and is trying to climb into the upstairs window.

Luckily, this family invested in a Home-Defense-Kid, and she is repelling the intruder by kicking wildly out of the window, with her right leg.

If this family had NOT had a Home-Defense-Kid, the blonde woman would have easily entered the house, and there's no telling what damage she could have caused, to both people and property.

Home defense kids - when you're allergic to dogs, there's only one choice.

A few more things to do whilst driving

2010-05-12T23:06:00.001-04:00

Here's another great product fron Sky Mall.

What you don't know, is this woman is an all-American driver. Therefore, this car is actually travelling at 70mph as this photo is taken. Talking on the phone while driving isn't enough for her, she needs to use her laptop, check some files and print some documents at the same time. She's just that important.

She's also such a workaholic, that she never has time to have a friend travelling in her car... so it doesn't matter that this product takes up the entire passenger seat, pretty much permanently.

Mirrors? What mirrors?

2010-05-11T21:55:00.010-04:00

The "no blind spot" rear view mirror.

Seriously? You're trying to tell me that American drivers actually use mirrors while driving? (Well, for something other than putting on makeup and checking their hair, that is).

Oh, I get it... this product makes the mirror BIG... the regular ones are too small for the average American to use. Make it BIG and it suddenly becomes useful.

The usual reaction to this, the first time they use this product, probably goes something like:

"Hey... where'd all these other cars come from? There are other cars on the road as well as me?! Ugh, this mirror SUCKS... before I had this, there were never ANY other cars on the road! I was free to swerve from lane to lane without looking or using turn signals. I could stop randomly in the middle of the road, and slow down to 1 mph to turn corners! Now I SEE them there, I ALMOST feel like I have a duty to drive properly, out of common courtesy! I want my money back!"

This is the future of music, you know...

2010-05-11T21:37:00.004-04:00

YES! The LP and cassette to CD recorder!

Finally, a way for people to bring themselves into the 1990s...

The most useful invention of all time

2010-05-11T20:57:00.004-04:00

I was forced, by my workplace, to take a plane trip to New Jersey, which wouldn't be so bad if the reasons weren't quite so pointless... but I thought I'd do something useful with my time... make the most of that plane ticket they paid for, and post all about the great products I saw in the Sky Mall magazine while I was on the plane.

This is the first one I saw, which immediately made me think "I need one of those!!"

Just think of the things you could do with an underwater pogo stick... like... um... really slow equivalents of what you would do with a regular pogo stick... and... um... ok... that's all.

$60 well spent, I think.

Administrative Professionals Day

2010-04-21T14:55:00.002-04:00

It's Administrative Professionals Day today.

I think they should rename it to "International Making Management Look Like They're Actually Doing Something Useful Day". It's more catchy.

Feed Our Animal Doctors

2010-04-20T09:26:00.005-04:00

They should really start using the full word "veterans", when describing war veterans.

I just saw an ad for a charity named "Feed our Vets", and my initial thought was, "What? Is there a nationwide sick-animal shortage, causing vet[erinarian] job losses or something? I'm pretty sure vet[erinarian]s are paid enough, not to be in need of our charity".

The saving of the world, and your self esteem

2010-04-08T09:21:00.010-04:00

This is my recycling organization solution, designed for convenient saving of the world.

White is for cans, blue for plastic and green for glass. The cardboard box is for magazines and newspaper, paper bag on top for other paper products.

Best of all, the colours of the drawers kind of look like the flags of Uzbekistan and Sierra Leone... two of the great nations of this world.

It brings a little ethnic flavour into the kitchen, and some much needed diversity... and everyone loves a little diversity.

It's a close run race between "saving the world" and "being diverse", as to which people like to pretend they're doing more. This recycling solution solves this major self-esteem issue for these people, with three simple drawers and a box, and all for less than about $20.

You may thank me for all my efforts, whenever you have time - preferably before the end of next week though. Thanks.

The value of a CEO's poop

2010-04-02T16:17:00.009-04:00

I have an app for my iPhone, named "Pricy Poop". You enter your yearly salary, go to the bathroom (at work), sit on a toilet, and push "start". You start pooping, and the app shows how much money you're making per second, while you poop. When you're done, you push stop, and see the total amount of money you earned, whilst pooping at work.

I was just reading the other day, about the CEO from Citibank, who had/has a salary of $38 million.

At the start of the financial "crisis" (aka. "Oops, we got greedy, forgot how to run our own businesses that we're being paid millions of dollars for, and now our luck ran out... oh except that the government is gonna give us lots of peoples' tax money to save our worthless asses, so let's get a few more private jets, and fly them to our private spas and play golf for the weekend as usual"), he took the incredibly honourable (<-- sarcasm) step of reducing his salary to $1.

I thought it'd be interesting to see how much money I'd make, while pooping, if I had the same salary as Mr. BigshotoverpaidCEO (that's his actual name... isn't that weird?).

Without using any exact figures, it turns out that in 3 to 6 seconds, he would make the same money that the average American would make in an hour. I didn't keep track of this part - but I'd guess I hadn't even squeezed out the first poop by this point. In other words - the CitiBank CEO makes the same as most people do in an hour, while he's just THINKING about getting the first poop out.

So, the average American's daily wage... this guy makes in well under a minute.

He makes most people's monthly salary (before tax), in 8-16 minutes. He may not have even finished pooping by this time - depending on how constipated he is.

Should Mr. BigshotoverpaidCEO have gone somewhere cheap for dinner the night before (you know, one of those ghastly places where the bill comes to less than $10,000), and ended up with diarrhea the next day - forcing him to go to the bathroom 10-12 times... he would have made most peoples' entire yearly salary, simply while pooping out his cheap, undercooked food (a total of around 1 1/2 to 3 hours of pooping).

The only satisfaction you and I could get out of this, is that his butt would be raw as hell after that.
Unfortunately, he'd probably just pay someone to cleanse and moisturize it for him - denying us the aforementioned satisfaction.

More vague statistics:

He'd make my monthly car payment after around 1 minute of pooping.

He'd make my rent payment after around 2 1/2 minutes of pooping.

He'd make enough money to buy a relatively nice house in this area, in around 20-30 days... (but remember, this isn't 20-30 days of work... it's JUST for the period during which he is pooping on those days).

If he wanted a million dollar mansion instead of a regular house... he could just wait until he'd pooped for a total of maybe 40-50 hours (the average American's work week). Although, he might have to poop overtime that week, if he wants to buy that private jet too (boo hoo, the sacrifices of a bank CEO).

So, really, when you think about it, lowering his pay to $1 for a year isn't exactly that honourable (hence my sarcasm), since he could re-instate his salary for just 1 work day out of the entire year, spend that day pooping, and make enough to live a normal life, comfortably.

So... um... wait, why did we bail out these a-holes exactly? All the bank CEOs could just get together into a special club (we'll call it the "poop club"), and pooped their way out of debt, by way of donating their salary back to the company.

I think CEO poop clubs are the way forward, and the way out of all future "financial crises".

I'll get on the horn to Mr. Obama, and put forward my plan of action. Maybe he'll be able to attack it when he has some downtime, and get the ball rolling on this. Once he confirms that everything is above-board (except for the poop, of course), he'll probably set up an all-hands meeting, go over the action items in detail, and get this show on the road. (See how I did that? I was talking like a corporatey CEOey type person. How clever).

Dog ears

2010-04-01T13:28:00.002-04:00

Isn't it funny when dogs do that thing where they have one ear sticking up, and the other ear flopping down?

(This is a rhetorical question, but if you need to know what the answer would be if this wasn't a rhetorical question... the answer would be "Yes, that is funny".)

Top secret Toyota information found

2010-03-24T10:50:00.013-04:00

I thought I should let everyone know that I came across some very interesting Toyota/Lexus information.

I managed to find the flow chart for the special sensors and electronics embedded in every Toyota and Lexus, which are apparently used to determine when the gas pedal will suddenly take on a mind of it's own.

It turns out that this is a sneaky plan to destroy America - one person at a time.

Pay off the media to make people think that they are purchasing a good car, and then take advantage of their stupidity, by attempting to execute them, at high speed, in that very same car. It's pretty clever really.

(click image to enlarge)

The weirdest thing about this flow chart is that the Toyota engineers actually wrote it with a Japanese accent! Who would have thought that they type the same way that they speak?

I figured out that "HAI" means yes, and "IIE" means no...

It's pretty difficult to understand, being in Japanglish, so I'll give you the basic outline.

The car will detect if the driver is performing modern "American" driving techniques, such as never using a turn signal, slowing down excessively for corners and slight curves, taking forever to realize that a light turned green, or weaving abruptly between lanes - all while talking on their cell phone.

Well, they definitely have a point there - those are pretty good indicators that the driver is, in fact, American.

It seems every sensor has to be activated before the car will go in to "kill" mode - ie. hard, uncontrollable acceleration.

Don't ask me how I came across this. If I told you, I'd have to kill you... (but I could probably just buy you a Toyota to do that for me, ha!).

So, there you go America - learn to drive properly, and maybe your Toyota (or your poor driving skills) won't kill you.

Fat Spider-Man

2010-03-23T10:44:00.005-04:00

I was just thinking... do you think it'd be boring to be Spider-Man, if there weren't any super villains to fight?

I think it'd be fun for a while, but it might get a little boring once you got over the fact that you can walk up walls, jump really high, and shoot web out of your wrists. The realization of that last one might even make you puke once in a while...

Plus, without any kind of motivation to keep active, you might end up looking like this:

It feels good to write a truly pointless blog post.

Ooh, a new planet... let's name it "CoRoT-9b"!!!

2010-03-19T14:59:00.005-04:00

According to this news story (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35915377/ns/technology_and_science-space/), scientists just announced the discovery of a new planet they found, that closely resembles planets in our own solar system.

Here's the weird thing, the story states: "The planet, dubbed CoRoT-9b was found to be about the size of Jupiter and situated at an orbit similar to Mercury..."

Who the hell is naming these planets? Some kind of Internet chatroom l33t-speak geek?

Geek 1: "Oh, hey guys, this new planet is awesome... it's just like Mercury and Jupiter... what name should we give it? Something meaningful, and easy to remember, that makes use of regular English words, like the planets it resembles in our solar system... hmm... yes... I have it... how about 'CoRoT-9b'? Yeah, with the random capital letters in the middle of the word... and the number at the end. Awesome."

Geek 2: "Ooh yeah, awesome, that sounds like something from Star Trek... that's awesome... like 'Captain Sulu, set course for the planet CoRoT-9b in the StUpiD-PlanEt-NaMes-WitH-RaNDom-Numbers-24h system.' Awesome."

Geek 1: "Yeah, awesome, then it's decided, CoRoT-9b it is".

Awesome.

Toyota values your life... (at $200k)

2010-03-19T13:21:00.007-04:00

I just read this news story, about the latest on the Toyota recalls (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35944343/ns/business-washington_post/).

It seems that Toyota saw this whole thing as one big competition, that I'm guessing they named: "Let's see how much money can we save, by putting peoples' lives in danger" (their competition name is only slightly more imaginative than their car designs).

Back in 2007, they clearly knew about the problems, but did their best to minimize the number of vehicles recalled, by "working the system", using two employees Toyota had hired, who previously worked for the NHTSA (National Highway Safety Traffic Administration).

How convenient... it's almost as if they hired those people simply BECAUSE they knew the inner workings of the NHTSA... therefore being able to avoid all sorts of future mass recalls on their horribly built vehicles, while somehow managing to make the entire country believe that they build the absolute best, safest, most reliable vehicles in the history of the world.

Of course, around 5 million gullible Americans, like the sheep that they are, took the bait, and bought them... the whole time, thinking "I'm so much more intelligent than those idiots who buy AMERICAN cars... AMERICAN cars are so UNRELIABLE".

I suppose you have to give Toyota congratulations for that achievement... well, a kind of evil, underhanded type of congratulations anyway.

Basically, Toyota just denied there was a real problem, and offered to issue a very small recall, just to keep the NHTSA happy. They didn't really care that there were another 5 million or so vehicles out there that could send drivers speeding to their death, because... well... "becoming the top selling auto-maker in the US" is way more important than a few insignificant lives... right? There's only a small chance of it happening anyway... right?

So, the Toyota lobbyists who managed to keep the recall in 2007 down to just 55,000 cars, claim to have saved Toyota $100 Billion.

Since then, a total of around 50 or so people have died, in out-of-control Toyotas, or in other cars that were hit by out-of-control Toyotas. People have even done jail time for causing accidents in their out-of-control Toyotas (no-one believed the "stuck-gas-pedal" story).

So, the way I see this, 50 people have died; Toyota saved $100 Billion; therefore, Toyota values each life at approximately $200,000 - or slightly less than the price of two new Lexus LS600hs.

(Toyota values your life at less than the cost of two of these poorly designed vehicles)

Toyota should be banished from the US. They basically murdered 50 innocent people, whose only crime was poor vehicle choice, and a lack of research before making a purchase decision.

I think they should get 10 years for each life lost.

Everyone screams about the banks ruining people's lives, making people lose their homes... at least they're not killing people while simultaneously trying to cover up their problems, allowing yet more people to die.

Shameless plug: Go buy my "Toyotas Keep Back" sticker from Zazzle.com, to keep yourself safe from the (too) many dangerous Toyotas on the road:

http://www.zazzle.com/toyotas_keep_back_bumper_sticker-128265895481483817

Riddle: What could possibly make Americans even worse drivers than they were previously?

2010-03-11T23:53:00.011-05:00

Ok, so it's not much of a riddle...

Well... actually, it kind of is a riddle, because I bet you're thinking, "Hmm... most Americans are such poor drivers, that I can't think what could possibly make them worse. Worse would mean certain death in a fiery accident, right?"

Well, the answer is "The first day of the year that's above 60 degrees Fahrenheit".

Apparently people in Cleveland were so incredibly happy today at the fact there was no longer a -15 degree windchill, or 6 foot piles of snow on the ground, that they were all relaxing back in their comfortable recliners... wait, I mean drivers seats... staring at the blue sky, windows down, with the required "elbow out the window, look at me, I'm such a great driver, I only need one hand, and I can rest my head against my hand out the window while I'm driving, acting like this is SO boring, because it just isn't enough of a challenge for my amazing driving skills, and why the hell is everyone getting in my way?" attitude, and forgetting that driving tends to take at least a small amount of concentration.

Just on my twenty minute drive home, I saw three people nearly swerve in to other cars, while trying to change lanes on the highway.
*Sigh*
Maybe some day, "Possessing a brain" will be on the list of pre-requisites for obtaining an Ohio drivers license.

Maybe if they'd engrave a few guidelines in to a big rock (we'll call them... "commandments"... yes), carry it down from a mountain in dramatic fashion, and tell everyone "God said you have to do this...", then people might follow the rules and laws of the road.

Wait.. no... that didn't work last time with that other list of 10 rules they came up with.

Special edition Lexus

2010-03-05T15:23:00.006-05:00

I was at the Cleveland Auto Show this week, and I was fortunate enough to be able to see this marvel of auto-engineering...

This is a special edition Lexus IS-F.

You can't tell, from this photo, what the Lexus woman is saying as she walks around the car there, but it turns out that the special feature of this Lexus model is that it comes with an all-new way of making your Lexus accelerate. They called it "HCAC" or "Human-Controlled-Acceleration-Control", but you can remember it as "a gas pedal that works right" or "AGPTWR".

Wow... always thinking of the customer first. What will Toyota/Lexus come up with next?

Swedish Fish are the best kind of fish

2010-02-25T15:05:00.003-05:00

Someone questioned my judgment today... my judgment that Swedish Fish are the best kind of fish.

Swedish fish are sweets... while other fish are... fish.

Therefore, Swedish Fish are better than other fish.

Case closed.

The Oldie Neutralizer

2010-02-23T12:51:00.015-05:00

Have you ever been bored to death by an old person, who just won't stop talking to you? Repeating the same stories over and over again? Reminding you about how they overcame the odds, by skirmishing with (and single-handedly defeating, of course) 15 German soldiers during World War 2, followed by the required statement: "Young people have it so easy today."?

Or maybe you tire of them telling you how, "The government has it all wrong", and proceeding to tell you how they'd do it, if they were president.

We have the solution.
Introducing, the Oldie Neutralizer®...

Just snap The Oldie Neutralizer® silencing collar around the neck of your chattering old person (it takes just 1 second, thanks to our patented "Quick-Snap® technology"), and they will fall in to an immediate state of unconsciousness, providing you with the blissful silence you've been craving.

Don't worry - your old person is not in any pain. In fact, they won't even have any recollection of the situation.
When you remove The Oldie Neutralizer® silencing collar, they will simply pick up where they left off, as if nothing ever happened.

Oh, and of course, The Oldie Neutralizer® is suitable for both men, and women. Maybe you have an aunt or a mother who simply won't stop telling you how to run your own life, and you need a break - just an hour, or maybe a day?

The Oldie Neutralizer® silencing collar is your safe, cost effective, non-permanent, non-local-authorities-attracting solution to all your old person silencing needs.

Just look at how relaxed she looks - you can feel good about what you've done. Yes, that's right, The Oldie Neutralizer® completely eliminates any of the guilt on your part, which is a commonly felt side-effect of many of the the more serious solutions that many silence-seekers, like you, attempt in their moments of desperation.

But, "hey!", we hear you say, "It's not always the oldies who won't shut up! What about younger people?".

Well, we are now happy to say we have a solution for this problem too!

The stronger will of the younger brain required a much larger, more powerful silencing collar. But we did it! We heard you asking for it, and we made it happen.

Now you can safely, and humanely, silence your loud mouthed brothers, sisters, even cousins, with The Oldie Neutralizer Plus®!

No longer do you have to listen to their argument inducing comments, or their inexplicable jealous rants. Simply snap on our specially adapted, over sized silencing collar, and bathe in the glory of the previously (legally) unattainable silence.

The Oldie Neutralizer Plus® is also a great solution for old people with unusually strong willpower and resistance, that may allow them to overcome the regular Oldie Neutralizer® silencing collar.

Contact us today, and we'll send you not just one, but TWO of our Oldie Neutralizer® silencing collars. That's two for the price of one!

Even better, contact us within 10 minutes of seeing this infomercial, and we'll send you two Oldie Neutralizer® silencing collars, and a completely free Oldie Neutralizer Plus®!!

Call now, for all the silence you've been waiting for!

Disclaimer: For all stupid, slow, and/or gullible people - the above is entirely made up. The photos are from the SkyMall website, with poorly added (by me) logos on the collars.
Old person silencing is (unfortunately) not currently possible... but we can all have hope for the future.

Kia: "Let's name this concept, 'The Copycat'."

2010-02-22T15:59:00.008-05:00

I noticed a photo on msn.com, of a concept, solar powered car, that Kia showed at the Chicago Auto Show this year.

Apparently it was well liked.

I'm not exactly sure how they measure how "well liked" a concept car is at a show... since just about everyone who looks at concept cars, (which are nearly always wildly different from how they would actually look if they were ever approved and released), says things like "I'd drive THAT".

Maybe that's how they rate it... maybe they just have a guy standing there noting down how many times someone says "I'd drive that", assuming that each one of those people will DEFINITELY purchase this car... that is, once it's finally been approved, and then changed in a thousand different ways, when they realize that solar powered cars are still way out of (affordable and technical) reach, and therefore replace the drive-train with a regular gas engine, and release yet another car that looks and operates like all the others currently on the road, despite the fact that they acted like they were ready to create "the next big thing".

Really, they could start showing concepts for "hover cars" at auto shows, acting like they're just around the corner... people would love those too - it doesn't mean they're going to exist.

Anyway, the real point of this post, is that as soon as I saw this photo, I felt like I'd seen the general design/shape of this car before.

Now... where have I seen it before... hmmmmmmm

Oh yeah... the 1997 (European) Ford Puma

These two photos aren't quite at the right angle to compare properly, but look at the side window shape, the general shape/angle of the headlights, the shape of the hood, the front and rear overhang, the overall 'silhouette' of the car body from the side... you have to admit there's a very close similarity there - allowing for all the obvious extremes they go to on concept cars, and considering that the Ford is just a regular production car.

Good job Kia, you successfully designed a stylish, sporty concept car, by copying one of Ford's designs from over 13 years ago.

More importantly, good job 1990s Ford designers (really) - you designed a car back then, that is apparently good enough now, to be a "concept" for the future, despite the fact that the Ford Puma inexplicably "died out", and they stopped production only 5 years after it was introduced.

Pointless doors

2010-02-08T23:16:00.001-05:00

Hmm... doesn't this kind of defeat the purpose of a door?

If they want them to remain closed at all times, they should probably consider replacing them with a wall.

Clothing for old young people

2010-02-05T17:13:00.010-05:00

I received this "J.Jill" womens' clothing catalog in my mail. It seems a previous tenant of my apartment had ordered it, and never canceled it.

Apparently, this is a store/catalog that is entirely dedicated to providing women with clothing that is guaranteed to turn off the opposite sex... (or their money back).

Take this one for example:

"J.Jill - For clothing in which even a professional model can't manage to look good."

Or this one:

"Because you just can't find that, 'hanging a sack of potatoes from your shoulders' look, ANYWHERE else!"

Then there's this one, that almost makes me think that while it is intended to turn off the opposite sex, maybe it's also designed to turn ON the same sex:

"The Ellen Degeneres look... minus the annoying dancing."

And finally... these two...

"J.Jill... for when you're 40, going on 75."

Groundhogs are like French people

2010-02-02T11:27:00.006-05:00

It's Groundhog Day... so here's a photo of a really fat groundhog.

I just read all about groundhogs on Wikipedia; my reliable source of 100% accurate information.

I learned that groundhogs sometimes eat insects, which is a good thing... since that probably reduces the number of insects that I may come into contact with.

They also eat snails, like French people do, leading me to believe that they may bear other similarities to French people... which is a bad thing, for obvious reasons.

Finally, I learned that, if raised in captivity, groundhogs can be easily socialized, which I assume means they could become good pets.

When I read this, I initially kind of wanted one, but after thinking about it for a while, and the things I'd learned previously, I decided I'd rather not have a giant alcoholic hamster with an arrogance problem and excessively long armpit hair, running around my apartment.

It wouldn't even make a good guard-groundhog... since it'd just back down to intruders, and wait for a British or American person to come save it.

News Flash: Toyotas soon to be less death-inducing

2010-02-01T15:28:00.034-05:00

I could not resist commenting on this news story.

This is one of the best things to happen for the US economy in a while - since, hopefully, people will start to realize that Toyotas are not magical, infallible, bullet proof automobiles. They might see that they have their issues just like any other manufacturer, and start buying American** again, rather than boosting the Japanese economy.
(**PS. I am not American, and yet I like to support the country that's giving me a good life... not least because the US makes the bitchin-est vehicles in the world.)

So... here are some excerpts from the story, followed by my sarcastic comments that I just KNOW you're dying to hear.

Toyota's apology to customers:
Dear Egomaniacs of America,
We sincerely apologize for the temporary set-back in ego-boosting power that you have been receiving from your uninformed Toyota purchase, due to our laughable oversight of quality control on one of the most basic of automobile components... the gas pedal. Oh yeah, there was that floor mat thing too... damn, we really need to start concentrating on the little things, don't we?
-------------------------------------

Yes, cars already on the road (some for five years now) are the NUMBER ONE priority! Do you hear that, dealers? We've been fairly lucky for the last five years, with only a few people getting injured or killed due to our negligence, now we need to get this fixed **ASAP!
(**Pronounced A-sap... corporate jargon style).
-------------------------------------

(...except for our customers' egos... and our bottom line).
-------------------------------------

Hey, they're still durable... it's not like they broke down... right? They still run... in fact, in some cases, they just won't STOP running.
-------------------------------------

(...except for the last 5 years, while the media covered our asses, by falsely promoting us as the greatest auto manufacturer of all time. We really need to start slipping them those large checks again.)
-------------------------------------

Uh... Mr. Lentz... you're President and COO of Toyota Motor Sales. Do you realize how stupid your previous comment sounds? You're hardly going to tell people that you're driving around in Chevys and Fords. However - that may give you more credibility, since it would show a wise, non-death-and-injury-inducing purchase choice.

What you just said, makes about as much sense as the phrase "It is what it is".
-------------------------------------

A little slow... like five years, slow. That's some real diligence there. Yep... lots and lots of diligence.
-------------------------------------

Oh good... how kind of them to cover all the costs to repair A PROBLEM THAT WAS ENTIRELY THEIR FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

(Inevitable Toyota egomaniac comment: "See, TOYOTA still knows how to look after THEIR customers... yes... I made a good choice still... a good choice... *heavy, fast, anxious breathing*... good choice... yes... I can still be excessively proud of my Toyota, and look down on owners of non-Toyotas.... good choice...good, good choice.")
-------------------------------------

Angry Customer: "Do you know how many Fords drove past me today, and I was entirely unable to give them an egotistical sneer?! I need this fixed... NOW!"

Dealer: "Yes sir, I understand completely. I, too, drive a Toyota, and I have had difficulty feeling superior to owners of non-Toyotas for the last 3 months now. I feel your pain, but unfortunately, even with my super-human dealer abilities, imbued upon me by Mr. Toyoda himself, I am still unable to fix this problem until Toyota engineers come up with a solution."

Angry Customer: "I don't think you understand, it goes further than just Fords. I'm unable to feel smug in my Toyota, even when sitting at a stop light next to a Hyundai or a Kia. The other day I saw a Suzuki owner smirking...SUZUKI!!!. Maybe they just heard something funny on the radio, but it's more likely that they were laughing at me for my possible inability to control my Camry's acceleration."

Dealer: "I apologize again, sir, and I can guarantee, that without the media support that we have enjoyed for the past 5 years, this issue will be fixed as soon as possible."
-------------------------------------

Etienne Plas:
***"Europeans whine less than American consumers, so we feel we can leave them until last. More importantly, European Toyota owners, for some strange reason, doesn't even have a slight superiority complex, when compared with American Toyota owners... possibly because they see the reality, that Toyotas are nothing more than plain, boring economical cars with very little to be proud of, other than a perceived 'reliability factor'. Rest assured that our consumers' safety is the most important thing here - therefore, we must deal with the most high profile cases first!"
(***I just made this up.)
-------------------------------------

Ah, yes... Consumer Reports. The Holy Bible of uninformed car buyers. The magazine that put down the Mazda MX-5, a 2 seat roadster, for "not having much space" (they would have preferred a back seat, with child seat clips).
You can always rely on them for unbiased, well thought-through reviews and information.

In this case, maybe they're right though. I'm sure it'll upset them hugely not to be able to recommend every single Toyota, despite, in most cases, not even having any long-term data to base that on (yeah, this actually happened. If you doubt me, read up on it), but they don't have much choice, when the cars they are recommending may just catapult their owners to 120mph and sideways-pile-drive them into a guardrail.

Lasers for Dummies

2010-02-01T12:01:00.004-05:00

Available at all good dirty, industrial, warehouse-like buildings, in the partially transparent rubber door section.

I think someone stole my lunch

2010-01-26T12:59:00.004-05:00

Did you ever go out and buy a Subway foot-long Italian BMT, on Italian herbs & cheese bread, with provolone cheese and ranch dressing, with lettuce, tomatoes, olives and banana peppers, as well as a cinnamon sugar cookie and a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, and an orange Fanta drink, then take it back to your desk and eat while you were working on something... then 5 minutes later, look down and seriously wonder where the food went?

I did... just now.

I'm pretty sure someone stole it from under my nose... because I'm still hungry.

Tired of being tired?

2010-01-22T11:39:00.005-05:00

Have you seen these annoying ads, for the FRS "Healthy Energy" products?

I'd say the first step to, "Not being tired anymore", would probably be to stop carrying around that 50lbs of weight on your shoulders. If that doesn't work, THEN maybe you could try this incredibly suspicious and probably addiction forming "supplement".

Of course, you could also try having a regular sleep schedule, or eating properly, or getting some regular exercise, or... wait a minute, this is the U S of A... products that make our lives easier, without any personal effort whatsoever, are always preferred.

News flash from North Korea

2010-01-21T14:46:00.004-05:00

I just heard from my North Korean news source, that the North Korean soccer team has managed, against all odds, to win the 2010 World Cup.

Wow... and it's only the 2nd time they even made it into the competition, since 1966.

Wait a minute... the World Cup doesn't start until June...

Ok, so this post is completely pointless and stupid. I just wanted an excuse to post a photo of some happy North Koreans.

Some thoughts, on my drive to work...

2010-01-21T12:50:00.007-05:00

Guy in the gold Saturn Ion... when a bus and 2 large trucks feel the need to move into the wrong lane , to pass you on the right, on the highway, you're probably driving too slow. In this case, about 25mph too slow. Driving 35mph in a 60, is not going to hide your probable drunkenness from the police.
Also, what were you thinking when you chose that colour? I hope you got a good deal on that car... like about 90% off. Maybe you were drunk then, too.

Guy in the Honda Civic... your giant aftermarket exhaust looks stupid, and makes your car sound like it's farting. And the US flag on the back of your car, is irony in a bumper sticker. Either that, or guilt... like in the, "No, I really do support my country, and want to help improve the US economy... honest... this sticker was made in the United Sta... oh.. wait... it says China... damn," kind of way.

To everyone driving near me, on the east side of Cleveland today... I've said this before, but you clearly need a reminder. That little lever behind the steering wheel... yeah, the thing that's approximately 1 inch from your left hand... well, it operates the turn signals (those flashing lights on the corners of your car). It lets other people know before you suddenly swerve into their lane in front of them.

The use of this amazing device does not indicate a sign of weakness, or that you're "giving in to the man" by giving people advance warning of your crazy, unpredictable driving maneuvers; nor does it take away any of your "constitutional rights", or break any of those ten rules, that God conveniently etched into a couple of slabs of stone on a mountain, that you're so (selectively) passionate about.

Just think of it as an insurance deductible avoidance device... or maybe a "losing-your-license avoidance device", since you probably don't possess the aforementioned insurance in the first place.

Finally... policeman guy... there was pure gasoline running out of your exhaust... you should probably get your car serviced sometime. If I were a cop, I'd probably pull you over, and give you a ticket for improper vehicle maintenance, and spreading a flammable substance in public, since it's almost the end of the month, and I'd be looking to complete my ticket quota, regardless of the severity of the offense, so that I wouldn't miss out on my bonus this year.

Bad choice

2010-01-18T11:45:00.004-05:00

I noticed this picture, in the middle of Google logo, at google.com, for MLK day.

What a bad choice of picture... it makes it look like today commemorates the legalization of gay, interracial marriage, rather than Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday...

Why am I here again?

2010-01-18T09:20:00.009-05:00

These photos are from this weekend's meeting of Obama, Clinton and Bush, over aid for the Haiti earthquake victims.

Is it just me, or does it seem, in this photo, like Bush is thinking, "Why am I here again?", or maybe, "Uh... what's a 'Haiti'?"

Also, I can't help but question this photo... are they doing "The Robot"?

If not, maybe they should think about it. I'd pay money to a Haiti charity, to see three presidents perform the robot dance...

Jaywalking

2010-01-14T10:41:00.003-05:00

You know who the po-lice should ticket more often? Jaywalkers.

They could probably double Cleveland's income, with just a week of targeted jaywalking tickets in the east side ghettos of Cleveland, where I have to drive every morning.

Cynical

2010-01-11T10:54:00.002-05:00

Hmm... something about this news story makes me think, "What are they up to?"

Maybe the fact that it involves North Korea actually wanting to end something, rather than instigate something.

Old things

2010-01-07T15:14:00.018-05:00

I recently bought a box of "Pepsi Throwback". It's supposed to be exactly like Pepsi used to be, back when they had the original red and blue Pepsi logo on the cans... the way it should have stayed.

If the old way is good enough to bring back for "a limited time only", why are you making the product the new way? Probably because of costs... but then... why don't you bring it back permanently, and just raise the price a few cents... OR leave the price the same, and just give your top execs a few million dollars less for their yearly bonuses?

You have to agree that the old red and blue logo is much more appealing than the ugly new dark blue colour they put on their cans. It's just a shame that they didn't go all the way, and make the cans exactly like the old ones... even with the tab that comes off completely, probably prompting a littering problem across the country.

Clearly, the old way is better, otherwise there is no reason to bring it back. If the new kind was better, why would anyone buy the "throwback"?

This made me think about other things that were better in the past, and have, in general, become much worse in more modern times... here's a few that I thought of:

Cars (and the absence and/or ignoring of Toyota in the US).

People (in America) knowing that the 3rd pedal is for, in a car.

Black music artists, who played rock and roll on their guitar (rather than just speaking aggressive words in time to a beat)

Pop music that was written by the band, (rather than a committee of song writers who have no relation to the "artist" whatsoever).

Presidents with really cool hair styles, that make them look like a balding Wolverine.

Discipline in schools, leading to less crime and delinquency, and more respect outside of school.

A time when the words "being green", "doing your part" or "giving back" weren't mentioned in every other sentence.

Trapped in the bathroom

2010-01-06T10:57:00.004-05:00

So, I'm in the bathroom at work, and I'm about to leave... but I see this on the INSIDE of the bathroom door:

It's not very clear, but it says "DO NOT ENTER - OUT OF ORDER - DO NOT ENTER".

Is this some kind of parallel universe I've stepped in to? Are the toilets working fine, but everything outside this door, out of order?

Will I ever get to leave the bathroom? I'd guess it'd take quite a long time for them to repair everything in the world that's currently out of order... and it kind of smells in here.

I'd call someone for help, but since everything outside is out of order, no one would have a working phone to answer my call.

On the bright side, I suppose it could be worse. I could be outside this door, and the toilets could be out of order... that could get uncomfortable.

Black and brown

2010-01-06T10:53:00.003-05:00

I like to wear black, with brown, simply because a number of people seem to disapprove of it. I'm such a rebel.

Watch your step!

2010-01-05T10:39:00.004-05:00

CAUTION! Watch your step! 'Cause we put this yellow pyramid thing in the middle of the walkway to trip you!

The Bitchin' 'Bu

2010-01-04T18:07:00.009-05:00

The night before Christmas Eve, a gay guy in a red Beetle drove in to the side of my car.

It's taken until now, for an appointment to be scheduled to get my once perfect, "park at the opposite end of the parking lot", still almost "as-new condition", regularly polished, and rarely seen dirty Mustang fixed.

I was worried about what car I was going to be given as a rental. They had called me, and told me they would give me something of "similar size", so I specifically asked not to be given another Mustang, since without snow tires, in the current weather conditions, I'd probably end up down the side of a ravine somewhere. I'm not sure if there are any ravines around here... but I'd probably find one... and slide down it.

I had asked for something front, or all-wheel drive, since I knew there was no way that they put snow tires on their rental cars during the winter... or ever in fact. The one word I forgot to say was - "sedan". That made me wish I'd never even mentioned it. I knew the first thing that would come to their mind when I ask for something all-wheel drive, would be an SUV... and since they were trying to match my car for size, I'd probably end up with a Honda CR-V, or a Toyota RAV4 or something... which would have me looking as gay as the guy who hit my car, for the entire week I had it.

When I got there this morning, there was a woman at the Enterprise rental desk before me, I heard the Enterprise lady say that they had a Caliber waiting for her outside. Now, I was fairly confident that I wouldn't end up with a Caliber, since that's the economy option, and they had already said they'd try to match my car. Unfortunately, the mention of a Dodge Caliber, made me think "uh-oh... I hope today isn't the day they only have dorky 'tall' cars on the lot".

All this worrying was for nothing though, I ended up with a Chevy Malibu, and, despite the fact that it has what feels like an incredibly underpowered 2.4 liter 4 cylinder engine, I have, so far, been really impressed with it.

I have no idea why people put down American cars so much. I absolutely love my Mustang, obviously, and this Chevy is also way nicer than I would have ever imagined, based on the impression people will give you about American cars. It has a nice interior, it's comfortable, so quiet and smooth that you hardly notice a bump in the road, or even hear the engine, yet still handles well, all of which is exactly what the majority of a mid-large size sedan's target audience are looking for.

The only problem I had, was that I wanted the seat to go down lower... but of course, I want the seat in every car I've ever driven to go down lower. I want my butt to be about 2 inches away from the road... so this fault doesn't count. Short of a Corvette, or a Formula 1 racing car, I doubt the seating position in many cars would satisfy me.

I did notice some hilarity with the Chevy though. I drove home in some pretty bad snowy conditions, and the roads hadn't been cleared properly yet. When my wheels started to spin, and the car started to slide to the side of the road, it waited around 2-3 seconds, and then flashed a useful "low traction" message on the dashboard. Really? Thanks for letting me know. Really though, since this car is aimed 100% at American drivers... they probably would be thankful for this warning message, since they wouldn't have noticed, otherwise... well, not until they'd finished eating their big mac, and talking on their phone, anyway.

Overall, the Malibu is nice, and I'd recommend it to anyone. Definitely recommended over any Toyota equivalent... but that goes without saying.

One last thing - even on this base model, there were gear shifter paddles on the steering wheel, for manual gear changes (if wanted). Obviously, no rental company in the US is ever going to stock any cars with real manual transmissions, since it seems approximately less than 10% of the population seems to know that they still exist - much less know how to drive one. So it was nice to be able to at least force the car to start off in the snow, in 2nd gear, rather than using the full automatic, which gave the wheels way too much force. I could also use the gears to slow myself down, rather than using the brakes (and therefore turning my tires into skis). I'm very thankful for the manual shifting - otherwise there were a couple of times today when the car probably wouldn't have managed to get moving from a stop.

Anyway, this post has become much longer than I originally intended it to be.

The main point of all this is, the Malibu rules. Not as much as the 'Stang, obviously, but it rules enough that I felt the need to give it a shortened name.

I thought of "The 'Mali", but that either sounds like a 5 year old girl's nickname, or the country... and in Mali, they speak French... and the french are arrogant... so you see, this was not a good option.

So, I came to the decision of naming it the "The 'Bu". You know, like 'Stang. I even bestowed the revered adjective of "bitchin'" upon it.

The end.

Honda Fusion

2010-01-03T19:25:00.004-05:00

Is it just me, or does it seem like Honda is starting to steal Ford's front end design for their new cars?

I don't really have anything else to say... it's just an observation. I don't feel the urge to be sarcastic about Honda, like I do about Toyota... since Hondas don't totally suck.

The 2010 model

2010-01-01T14:08:00.002-05:00

This is my new year's omlette. It's just like last year's, only better... because it's this year's.

This poll is even more pointless than my blog

2009-12-31T00:20:00.005-05:00

From here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34619714/ns/today-white_house/

"Americans would most like to live next door to the Obama family. But a reality star like California's "Octomom" or Jon and Kate Gosselin and their brood of eight would be a big turn-off, according to a poll released Tuesday."

Wow... what great insight polls like this are able to provide us.

People, in general, would prefer to live next door to a rich, well spoken, respectful family, who live in a giant [white]house, rather than a dumb woman with 8 screaming kids, who would probably be calling every day to ask you to baby sit, or to lend her some money for some baby food.

They would also prefer the Obamas over a loud mouthed, obnoxious, and ignorant couple of whiners, who also have too many screaming, poorly behaved kids, and would probably cause nothing but trouble for their neighbours.

I am SO glad there are polls like this, to give us obvious answers, to questions we didn't ask. I'm even happier to know that the national media has nothing better to do, than to waste it's time publishing this information.

It's a miracle...

2009-12-30T20:26:00.007-05:00

I try to avoid writing too many religion-related posts... but this one was just irresistible.

The following excerpts of a news story are taken from: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34625348/ns/health-heart_health/?gt1=43001

Mother, baby revived after dying in labor
Doctors baffled by mom's cardiac arrest, recovery after Christmas Eve birth

“My legs went out from underneath me,” Hermanstorfer said Tuesday. “I had everything in the world taken from me, and in an hour and a half I had everything given to me.”

“She had no signs of life. No heartbeat, no blood pressure, she wasn’t breathing,” said Martin, who had rushed to Hermanstorfer’s room to help. “The baby was, it was basically limp, with a very slow heart rate.”

After their miraculous recovery, both mother and the baby, named Coltyn, appear healthy with no signs of problems, Martin said.

She said she cannot explain the mother’s cardiac arrest or the recovery.

Mike Hermanstorfer credits “the hand of God.”

“We are both believers ... but this right here, even a nonbeliever — you explain to me how this happened. There is no other explanation,” he said.

Ok, first of all... "Coltyn"?! What is that? Is that even a name? It sounds like some kind of cold and flu medicine brand that you might find at your local pharmacy.

Now... taking someone away from you, and making you suffer for an hour and a half does not sound like something an apparently all-loving "God" would do... it sounds more like something an all-powerful A-hole would do.

No, I would expect a God to simply intervene, and not allow the mother to have a heart attack, and the baby to be born almost dead in the first place. Maybe I'm crazy... but if I truly believed that "God" did this, my reaction would not be:

"Thank you for giving me this miracle",

it would be more along the lines of,

"F you, God... what the hell do you think you were doing there? Playing games with me... or what? What did I ever do to you, other than pray to you all the time, and "believe" without question, despite overwhelming odds that you probably don't exist?! You know... considering that no one has ever really seen or heard from you in 2000 years or so, and all we have to go on is a book written... um... around 2000 years ago... in which things happen that bear little resemblance to things that actually happen in real life today..." (I could go on, but I won't).

I find it hilarious, and yet incredibly annoying at the same time, that as soon as something happens that cannot be immediately explained by a doctor, it immediately becomes "a miracle", or "the work of God". Why can no one accept that maybe we don't yet know EVERYTHING there is to know about the human body? There are still unexplained diseases, incurable illnesses, and other strange occurrences such as this one... it doesn't necessarily mean it's "a miracle", simply that it's something that scientific research hasn't discovered yet.

What about when women die during labor... it does happen... and yet God doesn't come along and save them. Were they not worthy of a miracle? Did he hate those women? No... they just died, and this one, for whatever reason, did not.

Things happen, they don't always need an explanation.

Ok, done.

Salt and pepper

2009-12-28T22:51:00.002-05:00

Don't you hate it, when you start eating the omlette you just made, and then realize you forgot to put salt and pepper on it?

So you put salt and pepper on it, but you're thinking, "If only I'd put the salt and pepper on it in the first place, then I wouldn't have wasted that one piece of omlette that I just ate"... and by wasted, I mean, ate it bland, without salt and pepper.

Mustang 5.0

2009-12-28T18:35:00.005-05:00

I just found out, for sure, that Ford will sell a 5.0 liter V8 Mustang next year, as a 2011 model. This makes me incredibly happy, because I felt sure that with their downsized, turbocharged V6 engines coming along, the V8 would end up disappearing in the name of "fuel economy".

This is probably the least sarcastic and most upbeat blog post I've ever written, so now I'm going to add some sarcasm, and bashing of other car manufacturers to even it out a little.

So... the new 5.0 liter V8 in the Mustang is going to produce approximately 100hp more than the previous 4.6 liter engine, and yet, it will provide a 2 mpg INCREASE in fuel economy. I'll use the 4.6 liter V8 as a reference point for the rest of my sarcastic argument.

The current V8 engine in the Chevy Camaro SS also produces around 100hp more, and a 1 mpg INCREASE over the current Ford 4.6 liter V8.

Now let's look at Toyota... the so called "most fuel efficient" manufacturer in the US.

Their 3.5 liter V6 in the Camry manages a whole (and I mean the word "whole" in the most sarcastic way possible) 5 mpg more than the Ford 4.6 V8 (only 3 and 4 mpg better than the new Ford and Chevy V8s respectively) , however, it produces around 42hp LESS than that older engine.

Let me just rephrase all this. Ford and Chevy produce new engines, with both more horsepower AND better fuel economy, plus they didn't feel the need to downsize to V6 engines. Toyota on the other hand, only manages a very slight increase in mpg over those new V8 engines, and LOSES horsepower compared to the reference point. Plus, there is not a single Toyota that could compare in terms of engine sound, fun, acceleration... or anything else in fact.

To add to my argument further, the new V6 engines that Ford and Chevy are using in their 2011 Mustang and 2010 Camaro will produce just over 300hp, AND manage around 29mpg... besting the Toyota V6 in both power and economy.

I realize this is all very technical, so if you're still reading, I'll simplify it for you. Ford and Chevy rule... Toyota sucks... in every way imaginable (not least in playing a part, alongside the ultra-biased US media, in hurting the US economy).

Of course, next time the average American is looking for a new car, they most likely won't consider Ford or Chevy, with their superior engines, and better power and fuel economy, because they "don't trust 'merican automakers no more" (based on their impression built around their poor products in the 80s and early 90s...). They'll just go running to Toyota like the media told them to, without any research whatsoever, and then drive around in their new Camry with a smug look on their face, truly believing that they're driving a superior car to everyone else.

Well, at least it makes all those workers in Japan happy, who make all those Toyota parts... they have jobs.

Prius parking zones

2009-12-23T11:45:00.008-05:00

Hmm... looks like they put in a couple of Prius/gay-only parking spots at work.

I guess they must have been thinking about how they already have the pregnant women parking spaces, and decided that it's entirely possible that Prius owners could have just as much difficulty walking long distances after a night of butt sex, after they turned each other on by complimenting each other on their Prius purchase choice, and talking about how they're saving the world.

They're really taking this whole diversity thing seriously here.

(Yes... I poorly drew and photoshopped in the signs).

Toyota price increases

2009-12-22T13:19:00.006-05:00

Toyota announced price increases for the 2011 models of some of their vehicles.

I guess that's understandable... after all, it costs extra to make a car that DOESN'T suddenly speed up to 100mph, crash, and kill all it's occupants.

They could at least have just made it an optional extra though, rather than forcing that price increase on everyone... some people might be happy to take the risk, to save a few dollars... "in this ecooonomyyyy". Plus, they'd still have that "reliability", right?

Those uh... four wheeled vehicles... you know what I mean...

2009-12-19T22:22:00.006-05:00

I saw this at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34477381/ns/weather?GT1=43001

As you can see from the part I highlighted in yellow... stranded motorists are being rescued by some kind of "four-wheeled vehicles"... we're not sure what they are, but they're definitely not "two-wheeled vehicles" such as motorcycles... no... they have FOUR wheels.

Could these mysterious "four-wheeled vehicles" be CARS?

Or MAYBE they actually meant "four-wheel-DRIVE vehicles, and maybe msnbc.com should get a proof reader for their stories, who actually knows what they're doing, and does their job properly.

The revised minivan rules of the road

2009-12-18T19:56:00.003-05:00

So, I learned this morning that apparently, if you have one of those disabled tags in your car, or on your license plate, it gives you the right, by law, to completely ignore the lane lines on the road, swerve randomly from one side of the road to the other, and drive at any speed you like, regardless of the speed limit.

Also, I hear that if you drive a stupid piece-of-crap minivan (as pictured below), combined with the special "road-rules-avoidance" tags... uh... I mean disabled tags, it actually becomes not only your choice to drive like this, but LAW that you MUST drive like this.

It's ironic that minivan drivers often choose their vehicles with safety in mind for the kids they are almost definitely going to be hauling around... and then proceed to drive like maniacs, as if a 5-star safety rating makes them invulnerable.

When there's an accident, and a kid gets injured or ejected through the windshield, everyone will point their anger at the other driver, regardless of the fact that it was most likely the minivan driver's fault.

(Ahh yes.. the Toyota Sienna mini-van. As you can see here, it's high center of gravity, and stupid little wheels holding up an over sized, overweight body, make it the perfect vehicle for high speed driving, and crazy side to side maneuvers on the highway).

Jesus has returned... (just in time for his birthday)

2009-12-16T11:29:00.005-05:00

I saw this new story at: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34433914/ns/us_news-education/

TAUNTON, Mass. - An 8-year-old boy was sent home from school and ordered to undergo a psychological evaluation after he was asked to make a Christmas drawing and came up with what appeared to be a stick figure of Jesus on a cross, the child's father said Tuesday.

Chester Johnson told WBZ-TV that his son made the drawing on Dec. 2 after his second-grade teacher asked children to sketch something that reminded them of the holiday.

Johnson said the teacher became upset when his son said he drew himself on the cross. Johnson, who is black, told WBZ he suspects racism is involved. He said he thinks the school overreacted and wants an apology.

My thoughts...
Yes, there could be racism involved here... but more than likely, this is just the re-incarnation of Jesus. Did they even think of that?

Poor kid in a Prius

2009-12-15T13:39:00.005-05:00

I was getting gas last night at BP. I was the only person there, but then I heard some loud music coming from a car, as it pulled in to the gas station.

I realised it was AC/DC, and the stereo was probably just about at full volume.

Then it drives past me, to park... and I see it's a Prius. My initial reaction was "hmm... AC/DC doesn't seem like the kind of music most gay people would listen to, or, in fact, anyone who would buy a Prius would listen to."

Then, this kid, who looked about 16, got out of the Prius. As he walked from the Prius to the gas station store, he hung his head, as if he was ashamed, and didn't want anyone to see that he was driving a Prius.

He didn't look gay, so I assumed this must be his mother's car.

I felt really sorry for him. I mean, it's bad enough that nowadays most parents seem to have some kind of RAV4 or Highlander SUV or something that their kid has to borrow in order to get anywhere after they get their license... but a Prius? That's just cruel.

The loud AC/DC was clearly the only thing he could think of, to try to avoid being winked and whistled at by gay guys at stop lights.

Stupid rain

2009-12-15T12:34:00.003-05:00

Don't you hate it when it's raining; so when you get home, you completely dry your car off so that water spots don't dry on it... and then... the next morning, it's raining again!?

What? Most people don't do that? Oh...

Ghost farts

2009-12-13T23:23:00.003-05:00

Don't you hate it when you suddenly get a whiff of fart, but you are the only person around, and you KNOW you didn't fart, at least in the last few hours... so where did it come from?

My theory: it must be a ghost fart.

The definition of irony

2009-12-13T22:31:00.005-05:00

Below is part of a news story from: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/outposts/2009/12/elk-hunter-killed-by-falling-tree.html

"An elk hunter was killed in a freak accident Monday night when the top of a 70-foot pine tree snapped during a storm and fell on the tent in which he was sleeping."

Now, obviously this is sad... someone died... it was unexpected, and a huge shock. However... I'm pretty sure it's quite a shock when a bullet comes out of nowhere, and kills an Elk, that was happily living in it's OWN habitat. I'm sure that Elk's young are quite confused and lost when they suddenly lose a parent too, just like the family of this hunter felt.

If this isn't irony, and at the same time, poetic justice, I don't know what is.

Dangerous substances

2009-12-12T16:52:00.004-05:00

Don't you think that dangerous substances, that are freely available to all ages from your average grocery store, should be given a disgusting smell, so that people don't get tempted to inhale them?

I was just spraying some of that tire shine/blackening stuff on my tires, and I noticed how amazing it smelled. It smelled so good I wanted to eat something that smelled like that. I want to spray it in my living room instead of fresh air spray, because it smells better than fresh air spray.

That probably wouldn't be a good thing however, since it contains all sorts of dangerous and flammable stuff like acetone, hexane and silicone.

Wouldn't it make sense for the manufacturers to add something in to these spray cans, that makes it smell disgusting? Then, when dumb, clueless people are using it, like to spray on the tires of their Prius for example, they won't decide to take a big deep breath of it, and then die.

Prius owners are incredibly stuck up, self righteous and idiotic, but I don't want them to DIE.

A hybrid of irony and idiocy

2009-12-10T14:00:00.005-05:00

Quite possibly the most ironic T-shirt in the history of ironic T-shirts...

I don't think I need to explain why.

Oh, and yeah, this is actually real... you can really buy this. It costs $26, but it's currently on sale for $24, as a thank you for "doing your part".

What are you getting for Christmas?

2009-12-10T11:16:00.002-05:00

In America, this is what you'll find in the Thanksgiving/Christmas ads...

Yes, the Smith and Wesson .223 semi-automatic with 16" barrel, and the optics ready package. What would Christmas be if this wasn't under your tree?

You can find it right next to the women's robes, and flannel lounge pants, and best of all, it's "Ready to Shoot", so even your average disillusioned and parentally abused 16 year old from a broken home can pick it up, and be using it within minutes!

What? Nah, we don't got no gun problem... you gots ta be able ta defend yerself!

Just because your brain is foggy, doesn't mean you need your fog lights

2009-12-08T11:01:00.007-05:00

When are American drivers going to learn that you don't need to turn on your fog lights when it's not foggy, and even less so when it's not foggy, and it's the day time?

Do you not realize the safety issue here, when another driver gets blinded by your ultra-bright fog lights on a perfectly clear night?

I understand that it makes your car look less dorky when you turn your fog lights on, they give it that "aggressive" look... but it's not my fault you bought a Toyota Matrix, ok? Turn off your fog lights, and try learning to use another set of lights instead - the turn signals.

Slim (really, really) Fast

2009-12-07T00:35:00.009-05:00

I just noticed this headline on msnbc.com:

"All Slim Fast canned drinks recalled
Bacterial contamination could cause diarrhea, vomiting, company says"
(http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34280257/ns/health-food_safety/)

So... um... couldn't this be considered a good thing? I mean, if you're feeling too nauseous to eat, and anything you DO eat is shooting out at both ends... wouldn't that be the best possible way to "Slim Fast"?

Think logically here... people don't care how extreme things are nowadays. This will probably catch on as the next big Hollywood diet fad.

"Now with bacterial microorganism Baccilus Cereus, to help you expel those calories, faster than you can consume them!"

I believe the Slim Fast people are going to be owing me some money.

King Obama

2009-12-04T09:52:00.005-05:00

Hey, look at that thing behind Obama's head... it makes him look like some kind of Egyptian Pharaoh or something...

The funny thing was... when I saw the small, thumbnail version of that photo, that circle behind his head looked darker, and it looked like he had an afro. I think he should definitely re-grow his afro. Bring back the afro! We should all start a "bring back the afro, Obama!" campaign. Now that would be "change"...

This post fully lives up to the title of this blog.

Profound comment for the day

2009-11-26T13:08:00.001-05:00

If monkeys could fly... we would have no need for birds.

I'm being profound today.

Pilgrim

2009-11-25T22:07:00.001-05:00

I drove down a road named "Pilgrim" today. What a funny coincidence.

My thought for the day, on vegetable cleanliness

2009-11-20T14:14:00.006-05:00

When you wash your hands, you use hot water and soap to make sure they're thoroughly clean (well, you should anyway), and when you clean the kitchen counter before you prepare food, you probably wipe it with some kind of anti-bacterial disinfectant spray.

But when you wash vegetables and fruits that you're going to consume, which have been hanging from trees, being pooped on by birds, sitting on the ground, being crawled on by insects, or maybe even growing under the ground, and then sitting in a supermarket, being handled by hundreds of people with all sorts of bacteria on their hands... you just rinse them under some cold water for a few seconds, and apparently that's good enough.

Isn't that weird?

Toyota self destruct

2009-11-04T11:04:00.007-05:00

Take a look at this story about new developments concerning the "Runaway Toyotas": http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/RunawayToyotas/sudden-acceleration-toyota-cars-owners-rebel-accidents/story?id=8980479

It turns out that various Toyotas and Lexus' suddenly speeding up to 100mph+ and then flying off embankments and into rivers may NOT be caused by "the floor mats getting stuck on the accelerator pedal", as Toyota originally claimed. Not only that, but the "speeding up uncontrollably" issue, has occurred in around 2000 cases already.

A number of Toyota owners who have experienced the problem, and were lucky enough to live through it, are claiming that the accelerator was definitely NOT held down, and that their foot was firmly on the brake pedal, with the Toyota still continuing to speed up.

Really, if you think about it, it does make a lot more sense that this would all be caused by some kind of electronic glitch. The most televised incident was about a Lexus that suddenly started accelerating to 120mph, hit an SUV, and then flew off an embankment. Everyone in the car died.

The important thing here, was that it was driven by a highway patrol officer. Now... the police take special advanced driving courses, far more intense than the "drive around the block, and reverse between some cones" test that most other American drivers take.

I'm pretty sure that in the event of his car suddenly speeding up for no apparent reason, this policeman would have tried THE BRAKE PEDAL. And clearly, that did not stop the car.

Even if the accelerator pedal was held down by the floor mat, pushing the brake would have SOME affect - it would at least slow the car a little, make it a little more controllable.

But no - that clearly didn't happen... and Toyota is probably secretly glad that everyone died in the accident - because a policeman's word on what happened would have had far greater standing than just "your average dumb driver".

Here's my theory on what's happening, based on this photo of a runaway Prius. (The person in the car did not die in this instance, so I think it's ok to joke about).

(Where Toyota Prius' go to commit suicide)

This Toyota Prius ended up in a river, after it started "accelerating to speeds of 90mph".

First - Well at least the driver would have had some time, while the Prius struggled to make it to that speed, to think about what was going on, and maybe consider the meaning of life... and read the entire works of Shakespeare.

Second - I have a theory on what happened here. I believe there IS a glitch in the Toyota electronics - but not in the way everyone else thinks.

I think it's a little more like that movie "Short Circuit" (you know, where that robot comes alive and has a mind of it's own).

I think the driver made the mistake of driving past a highly reflective glass store-front, at which point, the Prius gained consciousness, saw it's reflection in the glass, realized how incredibly stupid it looked, and then sped off to that river to kill itself.

I'm pretty sure the NHTSA hasn't looked into this possibility yet - but they should.

Finally... why is it that if even ONE Ford, GM or Chrysler product had some kind of issue, where a car sped out of control, crashed, burst in to flames and killed all the occupants, then the entire country and all it's media would be all over them.

They'd have headlines like "KILLER FORDS" and "DEATH BY CHEVY". People would be trading in their cars across the country, like the sheep that they are, and within a month there would hardly be an American car left on the road.

However... since it's Toyota - hey, let's just keep this a little low key ok? We wouldn't want to harm the reputation of a giant Japanese automaker, sucking money out of the US economy and taking away business from American automakers based on poorly formed opinions of "which is better".

Well... at least they're reliable... right?

You can just call me "Captain Planet"

2009-10-28T16:53:00.007-04:00

I recently started saving the world.

I decided to start re-using my previously-used grocery bags, as trash bags. There is no better form of recycling, as far as I'm concerned. No energy use, no re-manufacturing of materials... just grab your grocery bag and attach it to the opening of your rubbish bin, and give it a second life.

As you can see from the photo above, the bag only covers half of the opening of the bin... so sometimes I throw things in there, and miss the bag, and then have to reach down to the bottom to pick those things up again, and place them in the bag... but... you know... we all have to make these little sacrifices to do our part to save the planet.

Sometimes the bag falls off, and drops down in to the bin... it's annoying, but I can handle it, because above all, I am doing the right thing... and that gives me the right to feel like I'm above everyone who I consider to "not be doing the right thing" - which is what this is all about, right? I mean.. wait.. no... um, it's for the good of the world and future generations.. yes.. that's it.

If we could all just make a little sacrifice every day, that would all add up, and combine in to one big, giant sacrifice... um.. I think that's right... right? Because as we know.. sacrifice is good... I think... especially if it's a lamb, apparently... or so I heard somewhere. But now I'm getting off the subject.

Yes.. we must all "reduce our carbon footprint"... and if that means I have to go through the extreme hassle of being more careful about how I aim my rubbish at my trash can... then, well, I guess I'll just have to accept that that's how my life is going to be from now on.

You can all feel free to thank me at your own convenience.

A cat at a McDonalds drive-thru

2009-10-27T20:41:00.007-04:00

The following is based on real life events:

Cat: *Drives it's Suzuki SX4 up to the McDonalds drive-thru intercom*

McDonalds: Welcome to McDonalds, go ahead with your order.

Cat: I can has cheezburger?

McDonalds: That will be one dollar, please pull around to the first window.

Cat: Kitteh does no has dollaz

McDonalds: Sorry sir, our cheeseburgers are one dollar.

Cat: I can has cheezburger?

McDonalds: SORRY sir, if you don't have any money, you'll have to leave...

Cat: I can has cheezburger?

McDonalds: Sir... there are people waiting in line behind you!

Cat: I can has cheezburger?

McDonalds: Sir... you cannot have a cheeseburger if you don't have any money...

Cat: I can has cheezburger?

McDonalds: .....uughhh

Cat: I can has cheezburger?

McDonalds: FINE... 2nd window.

Why do cats always get their own way?

And why does the Suzuki SX4 look just like the kind of car you might see a cat driving...?

Another way to spend your $375,000

2009-10-24T22:27:00.003-04:00

I just thought of another, more charitable way of spending the $375,000 you'd need for the Lexus LF-A super car.

You could purchase 37 Hyundai Accents, and distribute them to the people of a small, third-world village, in Wales.

I'm sure that once they figure out what they are, they'll be very appreciative... and possibly even offer you some of their loosest, sluttiest sheep in return, as a thank-you gesture.

Yet another pointless Lexus product

2009-10-24T21:16:00.008-04:00

Lexus unveiled their new "super-car" a few days ago. It can go from 0-60 in 3.7 seconds, and manage a top speed of 202mph... so all you Lexus lovers out there can get excited about being able to purchase one soon, to sit in the garage alongside your stupid looking RX SUV, and your Toyota Camry... oh sorry, I mean Lexus ES350.. wow, they look so alike - you should really leave the window-sticker in the car so we can tell the difference (based on the price that is)!

Oh.. wait.. just one little problem... do you happen to have a spare $375,000?

No, of course you don't - because if you did, you wouldn't be a Lexus owner, you'd be driving around right now in a Ferrari, or an Aston Martin, or some other car with a real name for style and performance.

This Lexus doesn't even look that special... it looks like a redesigned Toyota Supra. A nice enough car in the 90s (if you're 18, and have a baseball cap permanently attached to your head... backwards), but not something you'd want your car to look like, if it costs $375k.

I can't think exactly who is going to buy this. Like I said, you could have a truly amazing car for similar, or even less money. And let's face it, NO ONE buys a "super car" for any of the traits that people scream (sheep-like, media-induced) praises to Lexus for - 1. (perceived) Reliability, 2. Comfort, or 3. Quiet ride.

In fact, if you're not bothered about the luxury or the brand name (i.e. you don't have a self-importance issue), you could have a Corvette Z06 for $66k (that's 17% of the price of the Lexus), which equals the Lexus for 0-60 time, and is only about 2 mph off the top speed.

If that 2 mph is really important to you - you can beat the Lexus in both top speed and 0-60 time, for about $103k, with the Corvette ZR1... or about 27% of the price.

And even more importantly, with both Corvettes, you get a REAL manual transmission, so you can actually drive the car yourself, rather than the piece of junk, automated-manual sequential transmission, in the Lexus. I mean... what is this? A super-car for old farts, with so much money they don't know what to do with it, and zero interest in cars, or driving, or something? Wow I'm glad someone finally tapped THAT market! It was just sitting there untouched for so long, I was almost thinking of investing in it myself! Damn you Lexus, for beating me to the super-cars-for-rich-geriatrics segment!

In fact, even my own car, a Mustang GT, is rated only 1.2 seconds slower than this Lexus, in 0-60 time. I'll take that, and keep the other $350,000 thank you.

As far as I'm concerned, $350,000 is not worth it, for the privilege of getting pulled over by the police 1.2 seconds sooner than I otherwise would, and not even having the satisfaction of using a clutch to change my own gears, in doing so.
I can also live with not making it to 202 mph... 150-160 or so is just fine for my everyday driving.

Poor bathroom stall design

2009-10-20T16:26:00.006-04:00

Why do most toilet stalls have those big gaps at the bottom, so you can see peoples' feet?

When I go into the bathroom here at work, I have a hard decision to make. The toilet seat in the first stall is the most comfortable, but it's also RIGHT THERE when everyone walks in, so they probably see my feet, recognize my shoes, and think, "Wow, Dan's poo really smells".

The last stall has the most UNcomfortable seat, and it makes my legs fall asleep after a while... but at least that stall is relatively private, hidden back there in the corner, with a wall on one side.

The two stalls in between can't even be considered usable... who wants the possibility of two people sitting either side of them whilst taking a dump? They're basically just there to create some distance between whoever is in the first, and the last stall.
People do use the middle stalls sometimes, I've noticed, but those people are weirdos.

Back to the original point of this post - why can't the sides and front of the stalls go all the way to the floor? Would it be THAT much more expensive? Also, why are they so short, that if you're any taller than about 5'9", your head is clearly visible over the top when you're standing? Why don't they just go all the way, and forget privacy altogether?

This country, no, in fact, the whole world, needs toilet stall design reform.

I guarantee that once people see this post, they'll realize this, and it'll be the next big issue all over the news.